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Sunday, 17 May 2015

Agh, my toddler has dressed herself and the dog in my underwear & pjs! Where is the time to do it all...or simply just put my laundry pile away!

My hands may well be one of the few parts of me in reasonable working order, but it sure is wonderful to have an extra pair to help me out once in a while!
So in stark contrast to last month's absent Daddy at the RAF surf champs post, this month's Daddy has been super hands on in every aspect of home life, in particular running after my Baby Bolt!

I am extremely lucky to be married to an incredibly supportive and  hands on husband and daddy who relishes every minute he gets to spend with his little lady and thankfully circumstances these last few weeks have meant that he has been able to be at home a little more, which after countless weeks and months spent away from home since Florrie has been born, it has been such a novelty to have him here spending time with us.
I am loving every second, although I must admit it does take a little getting used to!

I am particularly grateful for this extra help right now as my coping tank was beginning to get pretty low.
Chronic pain really can wear you down, not just physically, but when you have relentless pain day and night, it can get the better of you emotionally over time too.

Lately I have found the pain that has been keeping me awake at night has been particularly hard to cope with, as my days have been getting more challenging as Florrie gets cheekier and faster by the day.

My chronic pain and limited mobility mean that some days I just have to lay down
until I can get the pain and spasms back under control. This often means that practical tasks have no choice but to wait in line as I can only physically do so much.
Washing backs up to be put away, but before it is able to be put away, it is often ambushed my a 21month old Tasmanian devil intent on undoing all of my hard work by dressing the dog and or herself in my underwear and pyjamas!, dishwashers are left unemptied and countless other tasks are left half done, as my good intentions are either interrupted by pain, a cheeky toddler or both!

These last few weeks have been a Godsend, as my husband's physical presence has meant that jobs have been done and even completed and we have had a chance to reset.

It's inevitable that things will slip back as his work load increases again, but for now I am enjoying that incredible satisfaction and novelty that comes with completing a task.
I am a natural worrier and my chronic pain psychologist only reminded me last week that I am a dreadful perfectionist and beat myself relentlessly for not ever achieving as much as I set out to do.
She tells me this is because I set out to do too much: maybe she's right, I don't know, maybe I am too
harsh on myself, I constantly feel like I'm failing, she, (pain psychologist) reminds me again it's because I have the same expectations on my life now as I did prior to my accident and it's subsequent affects on my body.
I suppose it would be nice to not feel like I'm constantly failing, sometimes that seems very appealing indeed, but to do that I would have to stop striving to be the best wife and mother I can be to my three crazy monkeys, or set up the charity I believe so much in and I know this is not the answer as these are the things that keep me going and these are the things that mean the most in the world to me.

Maybe I could listen and try and be a little easier on myself, but I think this is something we all do, even more so in our high pressured society where we are all expected to be perfect mums, wives, daughters, friends and colleagues, whilst also being successful in our careers and dedicating ourselves to charity work or fund raising in our 'spare' time.

What is the answer to this modern day dilemma?? I don't have the answers- if I did I'd be writing to millions and selling out stadiums, instead of writing my little blog. I do however know what I am learning through my own journey known as life- and these are very simply that it goes too quickly;
you just don't know what tomorrow will bring and finally and most importantly, that the most valuable things you just
can not buy- the time you cherish with family and hugs from those you love.

I had an unrealistically long 'to do list' of things to achieve whilst my husband was home from work- update the charity's website, catch up on my personal and charity correspondence, continue working in Get a life! Foundation's 'Get Started' campaign and finish our proposals for funding for our projects, all this whilst putting away in storage all of the clothes my monkey has grown out of (these 'small' people certainly grow quickly!), get to the post office to send the parcels I haven't managed to post that are stacking up on my kitchen counter, make the countless calls to the hospitals who provide my treatments that I have to make to manage my condition, read about toddler tantrums and how to cope with them and do all of the niff naff around the house that has been backing up whilst I have juggling the semi-single parent thang whilst my husband has been working away on and off for the last few years.
So I have news- I failed at about 90% of the tasks I set out to achieve.
As I looked around me at the half folded laundry, piled up half written correspondence and unread book on positive discipline of children- I did the most important thing I could have done that week, I sat down, I took fifteen minutes to take stock and I watched my husband charge around the garden with a giggling toddler and merrily barking pooch trailing in his wake.
I felt utter joy.
I felt complete and I felt so incredibly grateful to have what I thought I would never ever be blessed enough to have.
A family.
We may not live in a show home, my clothes may be constantly covered in dog drool, spaghetti bolognaise and crayons, and my goals of creating a charity to provide emotional support for families affected by life changing illnesses and injuries may be taking me just a little longer than I had originally hoped; but I am living an incredibly blessed life, one where those I love are on the whole healthy and happy, so for this I must take stock and say 'thank you God' for all that I have.
I may have to start listening to that psychologist of mine and accept that I may not be ticking off all of my to do list and reflecting back on perfection in all areas, but my intentions are good and my heart is more or less in the right place and I guess that is pretty important I suppose.
Double tick in the box there at least!
The reality is that I am likely to remain a perfectionist and continue wasting time that I could be using to be productive, by beating myself up about wasting time not being productive.
That time is gone.
All I can do is focus on the present.
And right now I choose to learn from the past and apply those lessons to my future.
I will strive to be a little easier on myself if you promise to do the same.
Life flies by too quickly and we should not waste minutes focusing on that which we simply can not change- our past.
Learn from yesterday and apply it's lessons learnt to today.
Wishing you all love and forgiveness to yourselves.
Stay strong and stay happy.