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Monday, 20 January 2014

That Elusive Feeling of Balance

Well as another weekend draws to a close, I prepare, as we all do, for yet another hectic week ahead.

At barely six months old, it appears that my daughter's social life and calendar of appointments is busier than mine has ever been.

There is a delicate balance to achieve for new mums
between getting out enough to baby groups and clubs that you feel that you aren't going mad being trapped at home, and also not doing too much that you are exhausted and generally drained by the process.

This balance has been made even harder to strike, as I battle my pain levels and my current sleep deprivation, caused not by my young baby, but by my chronic pain that seems to hit hardest in the early hours.

The balance that I have strived to achieve since my accident and subsequent illness, of still making memories and generally enjoying life, whilst trying to be sensible and managing my pain condition which is exacerbated by the more that I do, has been hard enough to achieve before Florrie entered my life- in fact I think the general consensus between my friends and family is that I always live by the 'boom and bust' method where I do too much and then pay for it big time afterwards.

Now, with my beautiful daughter ruling my world, these decisions and life management are made even harder by the fact that my desire to do things with her is greater than ever, whilst I must be more sensible than ever before, as I have a responsibility to manage my condition as much is within my control as I have to be there for Florrie.

The fact that I am doing this parenting thing at all, makes me need to pinch myself every morning, as for so long we were told it simply would not be possible with my condition, so everyday really is a blessing to me- but as the initial euphoria and delirium of becoming new parents subsides and 'real life' commences, I find myself struggling more and more with trying to achieve this allusive balance in my life.

Only this morning I was torn by the fact that I so desperately wanted to go out in my electric chair for our Sunday morning family walk/wheel and coffee, with the fact that as I was already in a great deal of pain after a night of only 2 hours sleep thanks to my nerve pain.

I knew that sitting in my chair would not help my pain situation and would only make it worse, but with my husband due to go away with his work in the RAF, I also wanted to savour every minute of special time together like our lovely Sunday mornings together in the park.

The truth is that I don't think I will ever get this balance quite right.

The wonderful memories, have always kept me going through the times of exceptional chronic pain where I can only lay helplessly in my bed; so in my opinion it has always been worth the pain to create the wonderful times to keep me the person that I am: now however, I have to be more controlled and more sensible as Florrie needs me to be her Mummy, so I must live less in my 'boom and bust' pattern by doing too much, even though it is even more tempting to so, as the time spent with her is so incredibly precious and wonderful.
 I am forever confronted with the well meaning cliches of 'you will never get this time back' and it goes too fast, they just grow up too quickly'.
I appreciate that all of the above are indeed very true- (6 months have just flown by in a heart beat!), but I must just keep reminding myself that even if I don't do all of the wonderful things that I want to with Florrie, sometimes, I just have to let Garry take her out without me so that I can rest and be able to look after her later, because at the end of the day,I am just blessed to have any of these 'Mummy Moments' at all. I feel so incredibly grateful for every second with my little monkey.

It appears that as a mum, I must just put that sensible hat of mine on a little more now- it's just a shame that I can't remember where I put it!

Wish me luck finding it...

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