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Friday, 8 November 2013

365 Days

One year ago today, at about this very time in the evening I discovered that I was pregnant.

Six years of procedures, tests, consultations and many a dr, physio and consultant advising me against trying to have a baby, (if indeed it would even be possible)- had ended with one little blue line on a white plastic stick and the subsequent realisation of the enormous life change that was before us.

I will never forget the intoxicating mix of euphoria, relief, fear, anticipation and pure joy that entered my husband and I's lives that evening.

365 days on from that day and we are the incredibly proud parents of our miracle girl Florrie, the baby that we feared we would never have. The baby we were advised not to have and the baby that the doctors feared would make living pretty impossible for me.

In my opinion there is no such thing as impossible, merely compromise of varying degrees.

My compromise is that for me, it may be a life lived with pain, but it is also a life lived with the most incredible joy- a joy that I had never known, or could have begun to comprehend until now- and one of those elements certainly tips the scales over the other.

There is no greater motivation to getting through my day and the pain that often consumes my being, (usually at three or four in the morning when my incredible sleeper of a baby is safely in the land of nod and I have pain that just will just not let me rest)- than seeing my little angel sleeping soundly and smiling innocently in her dreams.

Despite life being challenging, I have no doubt that I made the right decision to ignore the doctors' advise.
That being said, it is important to state that it was not a decision taken lightly by my husband or I- it was one taken over years, and one fraught with anticipation, anxiety and guilt that I was putting my desire to be a mum over the quality of life of the baby that I might one day be blessed with.

I still worry that I never want Florrie to have to look after me; I never want her to be mocked by her friends at school that her mummy uses a wheelchair to get around and I never want her to think that it's unfair that her mummy can't do all of the other things with her that the other mummies can- but what I do want (and what I will do my utmost to ensure), is that she grows up knowing that she was loved and so very very wanted even before she was even conceived and that love and maintaining a loving and kind heart is more important than any of the above.

I want to teach her that a combination of love, hard work and determination can overcome more than most people even realise.

I am not saying that others in my position should do what I did, only that I know unequivocally that I made the right decision for me.

I am blessed in so very many ways. I have challenges that make me appreciate even more that which I already treasure and I have my little miracle which I treasure above all else.

What a year it has been- a challenging, tough painful year; but a year that I would never change for all of the money and riches in the  world.

Night all. Have a great weekend and try using love to help you through the tough times in your own life.

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