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Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Birthday Blues

Hi folks, apologies for my absence over the last week or so, but unfortunately I have been busy turning twenty nine and experiencing the associated panic, distress and celebrations that go with this!

Unfortunately despite my jesting, I did indeed find myself in quite a state in the week preceding my b'day, as the worry that had been building inside me for some time, that after nearly six years of living predominately in my bed I may not actually achieve anything in my twenties- reached heights that I was no longer able to avoid!

Despite my attempts to bury my head in the sand and ignore my emotions, this ball of negative energy that had been living in the pit of my stomach for some time now, wriggling and writhing and ever threatening to bubble to the surface- grew in size exponentially as my 29th birthday drew closer; and I will now admit to the world, (well those of you mad enough to read my ramblings!), that I may well have indeed had a few melt downs and shed a tear or two in the couple of days prior to my becoming yet another year older!

Thankfully, I believe that on this occasion having a good old blub and getting things out of my system actually paid off; as having addressed that negative little parasite in my stomach, I believe that this has actually gone some way to settling those fears.

The main substance of these fears is that I feel I have always been quite an ambitious and driven person and when at 23 (when the world was literally at my feet), I had the pause button of life pressed and had to sit back and watch those around me develop their personal lives and careers in a way that I was longing to do myself; I began to find the panic that I may not one day be able to return to a life where my daily routine consisted of something more than just being washed by my nurse and watching a few episodes of 'Come Dine With Me'- set in and gradually consume me!

I truly feel that I was born to have a family and I feel that I was also born to be creative and active both in mind and body- so to approach the grand old age of 29 and still not realise these dreams, I have found this reality to be considerably dispiriting.

It has taken the crying upon of many shoulders and the burying of ones head in many a positive thinking/ self help book of late, to attempt to turn this negative chime of mine from-

"I haven't achieved anything in my twenties!"
... around to...

"I have one year to go until I'm thirty, I have finally reached a workable level in my cognitive and physical rehabilitation and I am in the best position in six years to finally achieve something in my twenties!"

Having recently spent many months doing little else but study positive thinking philosophies and practising mindfulness, CBT and other techniques to help me win the war of mind over pain, I feel that I have finally partially acquired The Holy Grail of inner-strength that I have been looking for since the day that that Ford Ka drove into my old N reg Renault Cleo on 29th July 2006.

After speaking aloud these fears, I feel that I have finally put to bed a great deal of this anguish and swapped it for a degree of excitement and positive anticipation.

After a wonderful five days of being spoilt by my friends and family for my birthday, I have spent the day today brainstorming my ideas whilst also recovering from a considerable intake of alcohol and time spent out in my wheelchair at restaurants and theatres over the last week.

Despite the immense pain I am experiencing as a result of these celebration activities, I have felt so encouraged and reassured by the love that I have received (and continue to receive) from my friends and family.

I know that whatever I do, whether I conquer the world or crumble to the ground in failure ( which I definitely will not do!!!!!!!! ) I will have wonderful friends and family there to hold me close and at the end of the day it is the relationships with these wonderful people in my life that are the most important thing in the world to me.

Those amazing friends and family have spoilt me rotten over the last few days with beautiful presents, trips to the theatre and scrummy meals- most importantly they have reassured me that I am loved and looked after always and at the end of the day that is a gift that money can not buy!

I thank all of my friends and family for giving me a wonderful and extremely noteworthy birthday. I am so blessed to have them, as well as to have all of you to read my thoughts and encourage me always with your kind and thoughtful encouragements.

On that note it is off to bed for me in an attempt to maintain my improved sleep pattern and have the strength to take on tomorrow whatever it may bring and whatever level of pain I may have to share my day with.

Whatever you may encounter- good luck with maintaining your own emotional equilibrium. Lord knows it is without doubt life's most difficult challenge!

'The Queen of Baking'- my beautiful sis-in-law and the yummy macaroons that she made for our trip to see Les Miserables!  
I love you. x