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Tuesday, 17 April 2012


Kaz Diary- Friday 13th April 2012

Hey all, I hope that you are well and enjoying either a cosy evening on the sofa or a not quite so cosy, but equally more  exciting night on the tiles!!

Before I start I have to just say a huge thank you, as a few days ago my little ol' blog reached the relatively giddy heights of 25,000 visits!

I'm both shocked and thrilled in equal measure to reach such a milestone, as when I came up with the idea to pour out my inner-most in an attempt to achieve some sense of cathartic relief and emotional balance, I never once dreamt that even twenty-five people would visit, let alone leave comments, email me encouragement, join the Discover Disability Facebook page
or invite me to take part in interviews for other publications and websites.

As the 'Virgin Blogger' that I described myself to be in my very first post, I knew not how to even post a blog post let alone create a site for it to feature upon.

Considering where I was physically and emotionally when I wrote that first entry, I am so pleased to be where I am 25,000 visits later- and it is largely because of those visits that I have reached the state of emotional recovery that I find myself in today!

Your support has been invaluable and I thank every one of you who has taken the time out of their day to read the crazy ramblings of a largely housebound oddball, as well as those who have gone that amazing step further and forwarded the links to my page by email, Facebook, Twitter or that crazy old-fashioned method of word of mouth !!

Probably the biggest lesson that I have learned since I began exploring the possibilities of returning to some semblance of a 'normal life' (after a new balance of morphine meds meant that this was finally possible), is that when trying to adjust and embrace a life with a disability having previously been able bodied- one must try to relinquish personality traits such as perfectionism, as these can often be detrimental to recovery initially, as they can produce large amounts of frustration and depression as one discovers one's new limitations and consequently bring about a boom and bust sequence within a recovery.

This was an extremely hard concept for me to grasp for a very long time, as I had always set myself high goals and strived to do my very best at even the most insignificant elements of my life such as making the gravy for dinner, the cleaning of the kitchen worksurface, or even the writing a message for a birthday card- all have had to always have been done to the best of my ability whatever the cost in terms of time!

Despite the medical professionals' attempts to repeatedly point this out to me, I was determine that I would be the exception to the rule and slip straight back into existence as a perfectionist!

I would read countless accounts of military veterans and their impressive physical feats and get frustrated with myself that I couldn't even shop for my dinner or live independently so much of the time, such is the beast of chronic pain and other disabilities like M.S. or M.E.. It is so easy to get drawn into comparisons with others who to the outside world look a darn site worse than you, but really, anyone who lives their life with these so-called 'hidden disabilities' will no doubt agree with me that appearances in these circumstances can so often be hugely disceiving!

Well, once again, I have been distracted from the point that I sat down at the computer to ponder upon and write about and ended up drivelling on about nothing in particular! I did the very same thing earlier today when I went into M and S to buy a loaf of bread and came out with two bags worth of wine and sweeties to name but a few goodies!

I'm nothing if not focused me! And perhaps even a little indulgent at times!

If I have learned one thing over the last 11 months or so since my diagnosis of Arachnoiditis and my subsequent attempts to regain an element of achievement back in my life with writing my blog and setting up my charity- it would be that life is a journey and that journey begins with just one step.

Couple this with the attempts to relinquish my traits of perfectionism and I feel that I am on a positive path indeed.

Cheesy and cliched as this may well be, it is so very true and a point that I am often drawn back to by myself or indeed even by those around me when I get frustrated that I haven't as yet got my charity registered and making a difference.

I am directed back into the direction of the things that I have achieved thus far, and distance that I have travelled with getting 25,000 views of my site and therefore hopefully a few thousand people who are now aware of my goals in improving emotional support for people adjusting to life with a disability.

I have made many friends and useful and enlightening contacts who have either shared their own experiences and viewpoints, or simply those who wanted to wish me well with my steps yet to come- all as I said previously are so desperately appreciated, even if I don't always have the time and strength to reply to yoiu all personally to say so.

As I'm sure you can see yourself, I am still to learn how to write more succinctly, as this is still an area where my perfectionist nature still haunts me! I even started writing this post four days ago, but as pain limited  my writing Friday night, I still found myself unable to simply press 'send' for the post and put it out there 'warts and all'- and I subsequently spent the interim evenings doing what I physically could until now, when I have finally woken up to the message that I seem to be writing as much to myself as to you and headed my own advice!

So here it is!

I am going to press 'send' without doing a thorough spelling and grammar check, in an attempt to rid those often detrimental habits once and for all and strive for that allusive state of balanced and adjusted exsistance- one where I have embraced my limitations and capabilities and made the best of my new circumstances, as it does have so many positive aspects that I am determine to stay focused upon always!

As I break into a cold sweat at the prospect of leaving my computer and not going over my writing for another hour or two- I will tear myself away and simply wish you a lovely evening! ( Even if it is one four days on from the one I initially enquired about at the beginning of the post!)

Have a good one folks!

I'm off...

No, I really am now!