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Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Where Have I Been?

I am extremely excited to be writing tonight's post- why? Because I haven't written in a long time? True, but that is not the main reason if I'm entirely honest.
To be truthful and perhaps a little materialistic- I am so excited to be writing to you this evening, as this is my first post written on my shiny brand new computer, (which might just be named after a common fruit- or not, I don't want to be seen to be a favouring a brand), but I am in LOVE with my new friend and writing partner Mr 'Orange' MacKindoodle'!
One of the reasons that I have been so poor at keeping in touch of late, is that both of our, (mine and my husband's), laptops decided to 'give up the ghost'; cease functioning and frankly just frustratingly bloody b*gg*r themselves up within twenty four hours of one another, right over Christmas.
On the rare occasions that I have been physically and cognitively able to function on a computer since that time, I have begged stolen and borrowed, ( although thankfully truthfully just the latter!), any family laptop that I have been able to get my mitts on!
The main reason that I have once again been absent without leave is that since mid December I have been suffering with a pain that I have not experienced since my spinal fusion surgery in 2008.
It would be fair to say that these symptoms have rocked my, well our world significantly in every respect lately!
Adding these old spasms, shooting pains and sciatic nerve twinges that used to be my daily nemesis prior to my operation, but had until now thankfully settled into the background and become secondary to my Arachnoiditis issues which now haunt my daily life- on top of these said problems, has not only made the practicalities of daily life harder; but has also shocked my family and I that a hurdle that we had felt was cleared and put behind us, can return and bite us all on the bum, affecting all life plans that we were working on and looking forward to.
Life has been tough in every respect the last few weeks if I'm honest. Garry has found this blow particularly hard to accept and process as it has made him realise that he still has a hell of a lot of anger and bitterness in him towards the accident and it's subsequent effects, in regard to the fact that our lives have been made so difficult in his eyes, and that he feels that just when we have conquered, or at least learnt to live with the related challenges in our path, another boulder comes along to aggressively knock us off course.
The lesson that I have sadly learnt over the last few weeks  is that my situation is easier for me to deal with than it is for anyone else in my life.
This hit me the other day when I was talking with the lovely lady who runs the cafe at the church which is thankfully literally on my doorstep.
When having a particularly difficult day this week I took some sanctuary in this church and lit a candle for some prayer, contemplation and comfort. On my way back to my bed (after finding sitting upright for longer than half an hour just too painful), I ran into this lady I had not seen for sometime and was naturally asked the fateful question of - 'how are you doing? How are things?'
I so often just want to give the standard response, 'fine thanks. How are you?', but naturally as many do- this lady knew that this was clearly not the case and probed me further to open up my heart.
This time I obliged and explained how difficult I was finding seeing the emotional pain that was naturally consuming my loved ones and my Mum and Garry in particular.
I have my faith and the peace that I have made with the hand that I have been dealt in life. Having had months upon months to sit and contemplate the whys and what ifs of my circumstances, I have realised my life to be blessed in so many ways- and I find the only way I can cope with life is to focus on these positives and try and almost discard and deny the existence of the negatives.
I have a strong belief that everyone has their cross to bare in life, and mine, or more accurately ours is just a little more obvious to the outside world than most.
Behind closed doors I unfortunately believe it to be so that every individual, couple or family is battling through their own challenges in life, be them health, heart or career related.
Unfortunately as his role of chief emotional and physical rock, wheelchair repair man, fighter of disabled rights, general 'Kaz promoter', supporter and carer and not forgetting sole breadwinner- Garry has not had the time or opportunity that I have had to process the information and situation that we have found ourselves currently in and facing in the future.
I love my husband more than I can possibly express to you, which is why I feel such pain when I see him struggling to deal with life- a life that is so because of me and my health or lack of it! I'm afraid however much I could not choose my own fate, there is an immense amount of guilt I feel daily for this.
Whatever battle, or battles you are facing in your life, I pray for you that you have not only the physical, but also the emotional help and facilities to deal with your lot.
I have learnt to never be afraid to seek help in these matters. Nobody is born invincible and with the knowhow and capabilities to survive life's challenges. The colourful tapestry of life provides us with other people  from which we can learn from. We evolve as a species through history by learning what not to do after witnessing the misfortune of others.
From my misfortune I hope that you can gleam the knowledge that it is best to seek as much emotional assistance for those around you, even if they say they are okay, I have since learnt that watching a loved one live with chronic unrelenting pain is something one never really achieves peace with- and therefore outside assistance should be sought as standard as there is nothing standard or normal about living the life we are so desperately trying to simply just live!

Good luck on your own journey friends. Stay strong and keep whatever faith you may be blessed with or finding as life goes by.  Goodnight. Sleep well.

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