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Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Dealing With Pressure

Apologies for my lack of post last night, but I'm afraid to say that I am not currently coping very well with that age old problem of too much to do in too little time.
My issues are of course small fry to what so many of you deal with on a day to day basis and I want to stress that by telling you this I am by no means angling for your sympathy or empathy, I merely feel that it would be wrong of me not to discuss something that is such a big part of my life right now- trying to accept my disability and what emotionally goes hand in hand with that.
I used to be the girl who had it all and did it all to the best of her ability- I always made sure that the t's were crossed and i's were dotted, even if it took me all night to do so; my body's inability to keep up with life anymore, along with my mind's unwillingness to focus so much of the time due to the cognitive issues that I have as a result of my morphine intake, really frustrate me when they prevent me from keeping up with family, friends and daily tasks.
As I am never strong enough to complete all of the tasks that I set out for myself each day, I am left with an ever growing backlog which invariably leaves me feeling like a failure as a climb into my bed each night.
This is an issue which is an ever growing one for me as a significant side effect of my medication is also anxiety, paranoia and depression- as a result of this, issues that used to give me mild panic for a minute or two, now consume me day and night.
I am currently discussing this issue, along with many others pertaining to my new disabled life, with a psychologist.
She tried to persuade me that I am sometimes a little hard on myself considering my circumstances and that perhaps I should appreciate that I am not the person I once was, so I can't carry on expecting the same and more as I did before.
Part of me is aware that this is a character trait deeply ingrained in me and is not necessarily something that should be beaten out completely, but something to be considered in a rational way, in a way that measures and understands that my limitations are now a little different to that which they were before, so perhaps I should now be thinking of a different way of dealing with things?
This is what I currently ponder day and night. How do you adapt and overcome?
It is a question that I will continue to discuss- but now, now I am off to bed accepting that I can not complete my unrealistic list of tasks and instead trusting in the fact that I will do my best in everything that I attempt tomorrow.
Goodnight everyone. Tonight the thing that is making me smile is my realisation that the world won't end if I don't complete my daily tasks.

Monday, 3 October 2011

He's My Brother

Hello everyone. I hope that you have enjoyed a wonderful weekend basking in our lovely Indian Summer sunshine!
I am sincerely sorry that I've once again been absent from my blog and your lives for a day or three, but unfortunately I've had a fairly hectic time, as yesterday Garry and I welcomed my older brother and his partner to stay with us for a while whilst they search for a new flat to commence their new lives in London town.
The arrival is a much longed for one, as in trying to cope without a full time/ live-in carer for the last year or so, Garry and I have really struggled to keep up with life in general, down to the most menial of tasks such as even walking the dog and keeping our flat tidy and clean- so having my family members to stay will be hugely helpful in terms of having an extra couple of pairs of hands to help us in our quest to lead as normal lives as is possible!
Aghhhh- apologies for the mega 'N' word blooper!
The decision to cut support from live-in/ full time carers was a difficult one and one which came in the wake of our wedding in 2009, when all that Garry and I wanted to do was enjoy a 'normal' life as young, (well reasonably!), newlyweds.
In an attempt to claw back an essence of independence, Garry and I felt that we would prefer the struggle of living without care, to the intrusion that we have personally found can come with having an extra person living in one's home.
Disregarding any added bonuses of the additional help that comes with having another couple to stay, I am of course extremely excited to be having my brother and his girlfriend in my life much more- nevertheless this development has come at a wonderfully opportune moment, in terms of having that extra bit of family support around at a time when it is greatly needed.
On top of ongoing investigations into treatment for my degenerative condition, Garry and I are currently preparing to embark upon the hugely physical and extremely emotional process of having tests and consultations to establish whether my neurological condition and spinal surgery combined, will allow us to have a much longed for family.
There is naturally already much trepidation at the thought of this process finally coming to fruition, after two years of complications to even get to this point and Garry and I are hugely grateful for the support both practical and emotional that having my brother and his girlfriend closer to hand will naturally bring.
On that note, I have much admin to do to even allow this process to commence, so I'm afraid that it is back to the paperwork pile for me and then hopefully to bed and if my pain allow it- sleep, preferably before 4am!
I really hope that you have enjoyed a wonderful day. Other than the sunshine, what has been the thing that has made you smile today?
The thing that has made me smile today is most definitely having my brother and sister-in-law closer to me. I love them and my family in general so much and I treasure so dearly them all being in my life.
Until tomorrow everyone....