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Monday, 14 November 2011

The Problem With Pacing

I hope that this post finds you well this Monday lunchtime & I hope that you enjoyed a wonderful, full, yet reflective Remembrance Weekend.
As expected, with a weekend made up of a very dear friend's wedding, along with a family birthday and Remembrance service, all coupled together with a long drive, boat journey & subsequent increased morphine intake- I have found myself this morning, completely confined to my bed in immense neurological pain & feeling under attack from my enemies Mr Migraine & Mr Fatigue.
There is NO doubt that the above was worth the price of pain that I have to 'coff up' each time that I want to 'step' outside my routine of doing very little physically, & avoiding sitting upright in my wheelchair for any length of time; but naturally, when my pain hits the soring heights that it so often does after such exploits, I wonder why I do this to myself?
In my lucid moments, the answer to this question is very clear- because I need a life. I NEED the highs to keep me going through the lows of being confined to bed. However, later today I have to sit in front of my 'shrink' and discuss my week, hour by hour, in her attempt to reign me in from my roller coaster life of living for the moment and paying for it afterwards- in the hope that together we will crack this tricky issue of pacing!
I anxiously anticipate this afternoon's appointment, as I know that I am going to receive a reprimanding for not sticking to the schedule that we wrote out a week ago; but as I explained to her last week- I never know when my pain is going to dictate that I am going to have to take extra morphine, which will then render me articulately useless and incapable of doing the personal admin or blog writing that was scheduled for that period in time.
Living a life dictated by chronic pain is frustrating to say the least and it requires it's victims to be flexible and easy upon themselves if they are unable to do planned tasks.
 Breakthrough? Perhaps I have hit a pivotal moment- the latter is a point that has been stressed to me by my shrink, along with many others for some time now. That I should not be hard on myself when tasks fail because of circumstances out of my control.
I have for long time, ( and to some degree still feel if I'm honest!), been hard on myself and at times become very depressed because of this.
The fact that I have just written, (whilst in mid-flow), that I should be less hard on myself- may suggest that the message is finally getting through to my brain and heart!
On that reasonably positive note, I am off to receive said 'telling-off'!
Until tomorrow folks, enjoy the rest of your Monday 14th November 2011- remember, you'll never get another, so appreciate it the best that you can!

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