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Monday, 21 November 2011

Drained By Pain

Apologies in advance- no post is going to be particularly eloquent or perhaps even readable when one commences composition of it at 1.46am!
Although the 20 minutes immediately prior to typing this post were dictated by my laptop's deep desire to keep crashing on me; I'm afraid the hour or so before that was spent wrestling with my feelings of anxiety that have once again bubbled to the surface of my consciousness.
Those of you familiar with my blog ramblings, will be aware that I am currently seeing a counsellor/therapist/psychologist/shrink. After five years of fighting for psychological assistance of any kind to help me deal with my change in circumstances, I am extremely grateful to finally be receiving some help at all and particularly thankful to be receiving it at a time when I feel it will be extremely beneficial.
Not only am I about to commence my no doubt arduous journey into potential parenthood, (should my specialists deem it possible of course), but like every one of you reading this I'm sure, I am also experiencing the everyday anxieties and stresses associated with having a normal life, family, marriage and friendships.
Life is stressful and life is tough on all of us at times and often in very different ways- and it can all too often be that the smallest things can trigger off tears or tantrums in even the best and strongest of us!
Always a sensitive soul, both post and pre accident, I have noticed how much more difficult dealing with emotional issues can be when you are already in immense unrelenting and frustrating chronic neurological pain.
Pain eats away at your nerves both physically and emotionally. Pain really does wear you down and can at times make you want to shut out the world completely.
The only way I can best describe this to someone who has not had the misfortune to experience such things, is to imagine a debilitating migraine and raging toothache combined and to think of how even a single one of these factors can naturally make many of us niggly with those around us, let alone the both combined!
Despite my best efforts to articulate an adequate description of how pain can effect one's emotions- as expected, after an hour's fretting and crying, a pretty hefty morphine dose and a current time of 2.21am- I feel that on reading this back, I have failed pretty miserably I'm afraid.
Hideous chronic pain makes life that bit tougher. Hideous chronic pain all too often prevents you from getting more than an hour or two's undisturbed sleep and requires you to take morphine and other opiates that also make you tired beyond belief- throw in life's daily trials and sometimes it can all just feel that bit too hard.
To many reading this post, I will perhaps come across a little weak or self indulgent tonight, but this blog is all about enlightening those people who haven't experienced difficulties such as a disability or chronic pain in particular, about what those people who do experience them have to go through and why they may at times be a little distant or even short without intending to be. Sometimes the pain literally controls them.
This blog is also here to show those who have lived, or are living through such difficulties, that there are more of us out there- as for me that has been the greatest thing I have gained from writing this blog- hearing from others in a similar position to myself.
On that note, it is 2.40am and my bed is well overdue!
Until tomorrow everyone. Sleep tight.

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