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Sunday, 4 September 2011

The Emotional Pain of Physical Pain

Hello everyone. I hope that you have all enjoyed a wonderful weekend.
Mine has been one filled with the company of fabulous friends and family for whom I am so thankful for.
My loved ones are certainly the thing that is making me smile today and for that matter, they are the things/people that keep me smiling throughout all of my days- particularly the ones filled with pain and despair.
I am always conscious when writing about the joys of my amazing support network, that I am incredibly lucky to have such family and that this area is one in my life which I have been incredibly blessed!
For those of you who are not quite as fortunate in this department as I, I want to assure you that things are not always blissfully rosy and sickeningly perfect all of the time; as I can honestly and shamefully admit to you tonight, that it is these wonderful people who care the most for me and for whom I in turn care for more than anyone in the world, that I sadly take out the most of my frustrations and pain and upset upon.
My relationship with these family members is and has always been an extremely close and loving one and I would love to one day be able to repay all of the help, support and patience that these wonderful individuals have given me
Despite our wonderful and joyful times together, these people are also the only people who have been and continue to be present when I am at my lowest and most desperate points in my life- when the pain completely consumes me and prevents me from even being able to construct a sentence to communicate to my wonderful family.
My mum, dad, brother and husband are the ones there for me trying desperately to help in anyway that they can when I am so low from being confined to my bed with maddening pain, that at times it has made me inflict pain upon myself and want nothing more than the unthinkable to happen, if it were to mean that my pain would in anyway subside.
When feeling these awful thoughts, I understand that it is my selfless family who try their best to be there for me; yet when feeling these desperate thoughts, it is my only natural reaction when consumed with the morphine induced lack of concentration, to rebut interaction with the outside world in anyway whatsoever as it is just simply too hard.
I love my parents and sibling and husband more than anything or anyone in the world, yet I continually hurt them with my words when in agony and that is probably one of the hardest factors of how my life has been affected by the onset of my disability of chronic pain and reduced mobility, that I have had to stomach. After my pain and morphine side effects subside, there invariably follows a teary hug or telephone conversation with my mother that will never in my head make up in any way for my frustrated behaviour, even when she tells me that she understands completely, as she could not comprehend how she would react and behave if she were to be subjected to the levels of pain and discomfort that she has had to witness me be so.
I feel a lot of trepidation in posting today’s blog that a lot of you whom have never had to deal with the feelings of insanity and impatience that come with having to live with unrelenting pain, will make harsh judgements upon me; but I do so in the hope that those of you out there who have such challenging lives, will feel a sense of relief that this rarely spoken of subject is finally being portrayed
I have so much sadness in my life that my actions cause pain to those whom I love so dearly and each night as a Christian I pray that I will be blessed with the patience to deal with my circumstances in a better way when they reach the levels spoken of here.
To those voicing such angst and also to those on the receiving end of these outbursts, I dearly hope that in speaking more openly, we can all try and understand one another and each other’s circumstances in a better way.
I am most certainly not making excuses for my actions, I am meerly once again asking you not to judge my actions until you have walked a mile in my shoes or in my wheelchair whilst most importantly trying to help those who have had the good fortune of not having such bad fortune, to hopefully have a better understanding and subsequent empathy of the emotional torture and upheaval that goes hand in hand with living with pain or disability.
Life is so short. Let’s try and understand one another and consequently help each other with the trials in our lives that unfortunately we all posses in varying ways and in varying degrees.
I wish you a well and wonderful week. Take care of yourselves and one another.
My blessings

1 comment:

  1. Reading this i so know how you feel.
    I try my hardest to not "take it out" on my mum and lil bro, but when your in that much pain all you can do is shout. I need shares in flowers, after most accidents come a bunch. Hope your feeling better soon.